KID : mommy, i cant sleep, there's a monster under my bed
MOM : that's silly, theres no such thing as mo- OH GOD ITS TEARING MY ARM! Just kidding, he only eats kids, goodnight!
don’t underestimate my ability to perform a whole musical if left home alone
you: that is a nice ass shirt
me: thank you but, to be honest, its called “pants” and not an “ass shirt”
- me approximately an hour after every time I make tea (via madopiano)
EUROPE: Why the fuck are we always getting sick? Is it demons? Is it ghosts? Is it a curse?
EVERYBODY ELSE: Have you tried washing your ass?